SATIRE

Hell got so hot this week that the devil decided he couldn’t stand it. He got up out of his bed and told the demons to open up all of the windows in order to let the hot air out; which is causing the massive heat wave that is covering our little globe.

Here’s how it all happened. It was early Monday morning, around 2AM. Lucifer was sound asleep in his water bed, wearing his pink bunny PJs. When all of a sudden, that heat hit him harder than fire and brimstone hits a sanctified sinner man. Lucifer jumped up and in a high pitch voice he said, “HOT DAMN!”

He told the demons to get up off of their charcoal grill ready asses and open up all of those windows in order to let the hot air out. “Oh Lawd! Father up in heaven. What did I do to have a hot ass bright, dark, and early this Monday morning?!”

While crying out to his Father who art up in Heaven, Lucifer felt something. The “something” that Lucifer felt wasn’t the Holy Ghost moving all through him because he is, after all, Lucifer. And Holy and Ghost are two things that just don’t mix with the Prince of Darkness.

Knowing that it wasn’t his Father trying to tell him something, Lucifer decided he better turn around to see who or what it was deciding to give him a feeling.

First, he looked straight ahead. Then he looked left, and then he looked right. Lucifer turned around and looked behind him. After seeing nothing was in front, on the side, or behind him, Lucifer decided to look up. And as expected, nothing was there either. As Lucifer took a step towards the door, he noticed something was below him. So, he looked down and low and behold the Prince of Darkness saw a very young demon, by the name of Ricky the New Demon, looking up at him.

Lucifer stared at Ricky the New Demon, and Ricky the New Demon stared at him. They did this for a good three seconds before Lucifer spoke some words that took Ricky the New Demon out of his “It’s him,” trance. “Down to Wisconsin is where you’ll go if you think about thinking about what I just said,” is what Lucifer told Ricky the New Demon.

Ricky the New Demon lowered his little demon head, slumped his little demon shoulders, and turned around. Seeing that the poor lil’ demon chap was about to run into the door, Lucifer told the young demon, “Look up, put your shoulders back, hold your head up high so you can open the door and walk out of it.”

After Ricky the New Demon left the room, Lucifer went over to his nightstand and grabbed his iPad. Lucifer turned on the iPad, clicked the Twitter app, signed into his account, and then sent God a DM:

     “Hey, it’s hot as hell in hell down here. And I know you know that
      it’s all because of those humans you created who keep putting
      out all of that hot gas that’s burning up my ass. I don’t know if
      this is another Paleocene-Eocene going on here or what. But I do
      know that You better do something because if You don’t then
      hell will freeze over. And if hell freezes over then that little
      experiment you got going on down there will be runneth over
      with all of those sinner men and sinner women who don’t have
      anywhere to cross over. Tell Mike I said hi.”

Mm-hmm, that’s how that’ll go. Mm-hmm.